I've always been heavy. Or, at least, since my parents divorced, when I was in third grade. I was a skinny, normal size kid until we moved to Whidbey. I think I began doing the whole emotional eating thing around the time my parents divorced, in 1993. I'll try to post my first, second, and third grade
pictures to give you a better idea of what I mean by emotional eating.
I have never been able to kick it. I became involved in high school sports when my mom moved in with her first girlfriend when I transitioned from middle to high school. I played basketball and softball for freshman and sophomore years, then only softball my junior year. I tried out for softball my senior year and knew I wouldn't really make Varsity. I was overweight, slow runner, and my batting wasn't that great. I figured I could serve as an assistant manager or something. However, I was communicating to someone at the state basketball tournament (over-lapped that year with the start of softball season), when I discovered that the new coach, yes, Meche, that's you, had communicated the results of the tryouts to the girls over there before anyone here had been informed one way or the other. My friend was told that I had made neither JV or varsity. I was never informed. At practice the next day, I returned my uniform and told the original coach that I wouldn't be playing this year. I don't know if I ever explained why, but I thought that a veteran teacher would have the sense to not spill the beans to other players until the everyone was informed. Honestly, how unprofessional is that? I'm going to tell some girls who are at the state basketball tournament that their friend did not make either team, even though their friend doesn't even know yet. Really. I had always defended that teacher until she did that. Then I bitched about her as much as everyone else did.
That year I gained about 20 lbs, on top of the 10 or so I gained the previous year from not playing basketball. At the end of basketball season my freshman year, I was 160 lbs, wearing size 12 or 14. By the time I graduated from high school, I was around 200.
Freshman year of college rolled around and... guess what! I gained the freshman 20! Then the sophomore 20... or 30. I was working for the college maintenance department when I decided to give Curves a try. My weigh in? 244 lbs. At 5'2". Body fat percentage? Somewhere around 45%. I was in between sizes at Lane Bryant... 22 fit my legs, but not my stomach. 24 fit my stomach, but not my legs. I didn't want to buy more clothes. At least, not larger ones.
I started working out regularly, three times a week, sometimes four or five. I joined their team of fitness technicians and before long the weight was coming off. 4 lbs, 6 inches, 6 lbs, some more. There was an employee fitness challenge, which I LOVED. I'm competitive. Lazy at times, but generally competitive. I started doing the Curves high protein diet and kept up with it off and on for a few years. I lost weight and got down to 198 lbs (after having the flu, 200 lbs previously). I can do it, I know I can. But, I got married, a little depressed about lack of own classroom. So, I started eating because I was happy, because I was bored, because I was sad, because I was mad. I was eating all the time. I still am.
I got up to 250 lbs. I focused on less food and more exercise for a while and got back down to 225 before I let myself go again. 240. 242. 248. 250. 252. Finally got back to Curves, but started eating more. Not working out consistently. 255. 257. 259. 260. 262. 264. 265. 266.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
I hadn't ever really been depressed about my eating habits before. It was at 252 lbs, I believe, when I first started this blog. But that was the first time guilt about food started to hit me. I also hated my job. From the second week I hated my job. I had never hated a job before. I was miserable. I was upset about some other stuff, too. Fall and winter 2010-11 has been a hard one. I went to the doctor because my period was getting wonky. Guess why? Extra fat cells have extra estrogen which can create an abnormal bleeding cycle. It can also cause poly cystic ovarian syndrome. NOTE: graphic details to come. Skip next paragraph if you don't want the nasty details of my cycle.
I was bleeding between periods. Strong vaginal odor. I would spot dark blood or brownish blood 5-7 days out of my normally non-bleeding time. I was having trouble keeping up with my temperature readings each morning as well. So, so tired. Period is longer, heavier. Big clotty chunks. It really sucked.
Doctor told me that I really, really need to get my eating, exercise, and weight under control. Healthy control. I was doing okay for a while. Some stuff happened again this lent and I responded with craptastic eating habits. 3-6 tablespoons of mayo based dip with dinner. Eating more than 2 cups of food at lunch. Fast food. French fries daily. Eating 1-3 serving sizes of ice cream a night. Take a week to finish a box of girl scout cookies. Walk by the counter, have a bite, or two. Walk by again, have another bite. Walk through the kitchen, have a piece of cheese. Walk past kitchen on the way to bed, have a cookie. Or two. Or four.
BUT IT TASTES SO GOOD! My tummy's happy, right? I've been making the mistake of making my tummy happy to make me happy for so long.. SO LONG. It has to stop. It has to. NOW.
I joined a new gym in March. Their scale said 250 lbs the day after I weighed in at 262 at Curves, so I know their scale is about 12 lbs off. But.... the weight started to come off. I try for 2-4 times a week. Now I'm bouncing around 245 on their scale. I still have a long way to go, but I know I can do it.
I'm thinking of letting hubby cook and prepare his own food for a while, because I am having so much trouble with portion control. I may need to just try the whole TV dinner thing for a while so I can get myself under control.
Current idea:
- I pick breakfast.
- Kid portion-size snack
- Safeway, frozen food section, lean cuisine for lunch
- Kid portion-size snack
- Safeway, frozen food section, lean cuisine for dinner
Just for now. I'm not in a place yet where I can plan out my meals based on carbs, proteins, and fats and calories. But buying a lean meal? I can do that. I need to practice portion size control step-by-step.
So, tomorrow, I am off to Safeway for lunch!
